


this is some choice bullfuckery here just top shelf stuff the bulls that fucked to make it have long since died of old age

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23034091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave can't find Karkat.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 16
Kudos: 198





	this is some choice bullfuckery here just top shelf stuff the bulls that fucked to make it have long since died of old age

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  


TG: hey rose have you seen karkat anywhere  
TT: No, I haven’t.  
TT: Why, did you lose him somehow?  
TG: yeah sorta i guess you could describe it like that if you were bein hella diplomatic  
TT: Oh really?  
TT: And if I chose to be less than hella diplomatic?  
TG: well if you decided to take that route like if you got kicked outta the un for your flagrant lack of diplomacy  
TG: and youre all disgruntled and huddled outside the building holdin a sign that says "fuck the un"  
TG: which yeah thats fair but its not exactly making you come across as more diplomatic you know its probably not gonna get you your job back  
TG: then youd probably choose to describe it as i said some kinda horrible shit to him without thinking  
TG: and he stormed off  
TG: and i havent seen him since  
TT: I see.  
TT: And which way would you choose to describe the situation?  
TG: honestly id prolly go even less diplomatic than the second one  
TT: Ouch.  
TG: yeah ouch is fucking right  
TG: ...  
TG: i think i mighta fucked up rose  
TT: I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.  
TG: no im serious this is different this is uncharted territory  
TG: i mean karkat and i give each other shit all the time its kinda our thing  
TT: Hmm.  
TG: no god dammit not like that creepy spades shit  
TG: just normal bros riding each other  
TT: Dave.  
TT: The phrasing here.  
TT: My god.  
TG: aaah cmon rose im kinda freaking out here can i get a freebie or what  
TT: Okay, we can consider that one a freebie.  
TG: thank fuck  
TT: How long has he been gone?  
TG: about as long as it took me to not watch the rest of human serendipity then get kicked out of can town for disturbing the peace then pace around a bunch like a jackass  
TT: ...  
TT: And that is...?  
TG: six hours ok hes been gone six hours  
TT: And that has you worried?  
TG: yeah i cant even remember the last time we went this long without seeing each other or at least texting  
TT: *Eyes second freebie card smirkingly*  
TG: oh cmon im just worried is all  
TT: *Toyingly flips freebie card through fingers with all the practiced skill of a Vegas blackjack dealer*  
TG: jesus rose i dont do this to you about whatever the fucks goin on with you and kanaya  
TT: I’ll have you know Kanaya and I have gone on two lovely strolls around the meteor and engaged in one extended knitting lesson, all of which we have mutually tentatively agreed to refer to as “dates.”  
TT: *She declares, smugly, as with a flick of the wrist she tosses the freebie card into the grate of a nearby fireplace*  
TG: ok so you havent seen him  
TT: *The flames roar higher, fed by the potent fuel of early adolescent denial*  
TG: ok great this was a ton of help rose thanks for taking it so seriously youre like the sister i never had until suddenly i did  
TT: I live to serve.  
TG: yeah whatever  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  


turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]  


TG: yo tz weird question  
GC: >:O 1 LOV3 W31RD QU3ST1ONS!  
TG: yeah well this ones pretty weird so brace yourself  
GC: 1 4M SO BR4C3D  
GC: 1M ST4ND1NG 1N 4 DOORW4Y R1GHT NOW  
GC: 4LL MY 4RMS 4ND L3GS BR4C3D F1RMLY 4G41NST TH3 DOOR FR4M3  
TG: ok thats pretty fucking braced  
GC: Y34H W3LL W1TH 4 W4RN1NG L1K3 TH4T 1M NOT T4K1NG 4NY CH4NC3S!  
GC: 1 DONT W4NN4 G3T KNOCK3D 1NTO N3XT W33K BY YOUR CR4ZY 1NS4N3 QU3ST1ON  
GC: 1 L1K3 TH1S W33K  
GC: TH1S W33KS 4W3SOM3  
TG: oh yeah?  
GC: Y34H 1M 3XPLOR1NG TH3 M3T3OR  
GC: 1M GO1NG W4Y DOWN 1NTO TH3 B3LLY OF TH3 B34ST  
TG: whoa  
TG: that does sound pretty awesome  
GC: Y34H!  
TG: wait are you sure its like  
TG: safe down there  
TG: with gamzee  
GC: 1TS F1N3 1 C4N SM3LL H1M FROM 4 M1L3 OFF  
TG: pretty sure all of us can  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4!  
TG: anyway sorry to cut this short but im actually in kind of a hurry  
GC: >:O   
GC: TH4TS R1GHT YOUR B4TSH1T 1NT3NS3 QU3ST1ON  
GC: HOLD ON L3T M3 R3BR4C3 MYS3LF  
GC: ................  
GC: OK  
GC: GO 4H34D H1T M3  
TG: ok my question is  
TG: um  
TG: have you seen karkat anywhere  
GC: WH4T???  
TG: what  
GC: TH4TS YOUR W31RD QU3ST1ON??  
TG: uh yeah thats it  
GC: HOW TH3 FUCK 1S TH4T W31RD D4V3?  
TG: uh  
GC: D4V3 1 BR4C3D MYS3LF FOR TH1S!  
TG: ...  
GC: 1 BR4C3D MYSL3F H4RD 4ND TH4TS TH3 QU3ST1ON YOU 4SK M3?  
GC: TH1S 1S SOM3 W34K FUCK1NG SH1T D4V3!  
TG: sorry  
GC: W33344444K!  
TG: yeah maybe youre right  
GC: OF COURS3 1 4M!  
TG: ok but uh  
TG: like  
TG: have you seen him  
TG: or you know smelled him  
TG: recently  
TG: is he with you  
GC: NO H3S NOT 4ROUND  
GC: 1V3 4CTU4LLY B33N ON TH1S 3XP3D1T1ON FOR 4 COUPL3 D4YS  
TG: whoa really  
GC: Y34H 1 JUST W4NT3D SOM3 T1M3 TO MYS3LF  
TG: oh  
TG: thats cool i guess  
GC: Y34H 1T 1S!  
TG: guess ill let you get back to it  
TG: i do kinda need to find karkat  
GC: 4R3 YOU GUYS OK?  
TG: what yeah were fine  
TG: were so good  
TG: i just  
TG: misplaced him is all  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4 HOW C4N YOU POSS1BLY M1SPL4C3 SOM3BODY TH4T LOUD?  
TG: yeah i donno scientists are baffled  
TG: um  
TG: lemme know if you run into him down there ok  
GC: Y34H NO PROBL3M.  
TG: and uh  
TG: have fun  
GC: W444Y 4H34D OF YOU!  
TG: seeya  
GC: >:?  
TG: or you know i mean  
TG: smellya  
TG: thats totally what i meant to say the whole time  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
GC: BY3 N3RD!  
TG: yeah bye  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]  


turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  


TG: yo kanaya is karkat with you  
GA: Hello Dave  
GA: Im Sorry I Havent Seen Him  
TG: fuck  
TG: i thought maybe you guys might be having a troll sesh or something  
TG: all like filing each others teeth into points  
GA: We Dont Do That  
TG: oh huh  
GA: Do Humans Do Something Like That  
TG: yeah sure all the time  
GA: Really  
GA: I Just Asked Rose And Shes Assured Me That Youre Fucking With Me  
TG: oh god dammit  
GA: Im Sorry But I Feel More Inclined To Believe Her On These Things  
GA: Are You Fucking With Me Dave  
TG: why didnt you say you were with rose  
TG: i already fucking asked her  
GA: Why Are You So Anxious To Find Karkat Did Something Happen  
TG: dude just ask rose im sure shes gonna love telling you all her theories and projections and whatnot  
TG: i gotta go  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  


turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]  


TG: hey have you seen karkat  
AG: Daaaaaaaave!  
TG: oh my god  
AG: You lost Karkat????????  
AG: How did you possi8bly manage to lose him?  
TG: look vriska  
AG: Did he finally chew through the rope tying you two together?  
TG: could we maybe not do this for once  
TG: like could we just keep this to yeses and noes like civilized people like colleagues  
AG: Look I’m not saying I “get it” or anything.  
AG: I think I’d legitim8tely lose my fucking mind if I had to spend that much time with either of you.  
TG: ok guess were doing this  
AG: No that’s good!  
AG: That’s a compliment you fucking idiot!  
TG: is it  
AG: Yeah o8viously!  
AG: It means I’m glad you two have each other so I don’t have to deal with either of you.  
TG: wow  
AG: Dave.  
AG: I’m so serious.  
AG: You have spared me from so much Karkat 8ullshit, it’s un8elieva8ble.  
AG: I owe you 8ig.  
TG: dude what the fuck dont say that  
AG: Ooooooooh my god are you defending him right now?  
AG: You have it soooooooo much worse than I thought!  
AG: You’ve got it 8aaaaaaaad!  
TG: jfc i dont have time for this  
TG: vriska have you seen him or not yes or no  
AG: No I haven’t seen him in forever.  
TG: oh my fucking god  
TG: thanks i guess  
AG: Good luck ;;;;)  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]  


turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]  


TG: hey uh  
TG: dude  
TG: i dont know if you still have like  
TG: a phone or anything  
TG: or if youve just totally returned to nature  
TG: and by nature i mean the weird smelly clangy air vents  
TG: not a fucking beautiful open field full of flowers  
TG: like i dont think youre drinking from any pure mountain springs raising your head majestically to sniff the air or anything youre probably pretty much just curled up on a pile of skeevy bike horns in some nasty corner somewhere  
TG: anyway look  
TG: i know weve never talked or anything at least not since you went insane  
TG: but i cant find karkat anywhere and i know you guys used to be close  
TG: so i guess i thought maybe  
TG: ...  
TG: yeah youre not gonna say anything are you  
TG: yep ok this was about exactly as helpful as i thought it was gonna be  


turntechGodhead [CTG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]  


CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board DAVE FUCKED UP.  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board DAVE FUCKED UP.  


CTG: oh my god this is so fucking stupid i cant believe im actually doing one of these memo things this is a new low  
CTG: oh well  
CTG: um  
CTG: karkat dude are you reading this  
CTG: ...  
CTG: gonna go ahead and take that as a firm maybe  
CTG: uh  
CTG: hi  
CTG: look we had kind of a big blow up  
CTG: some things were said  
CTG: by me  
CTG: that should probably not be repeated for the sanctity and purity of this fucking stupid memo  
CTG: but i guess you know what i said already if youre reading this  
CTG: at least if youre reading this from the future  
CTG: or the present  
CTG: oh my god fuck memos  
CTG: anyway the point is i cant find you dude  
CTG: youre not answering your phone nobody knows where you are  
CTG: its not like i care or anything  
CTG: no shit i dont not care that you left  
CTG: but obviously if you want some alone time thats fine you do you  
CTG: its just its been a while  
CTG: and im kinda starting to maybe freak out a little bit  
CTG: like i really really hope youre not hanging out with any murder clowns of our mutual acquaintance  
CTG: getting you know  
CTG: murdered  
CTG: or kissed  
CTG: not that thats any of my business  
CTG: not the murder part obviously  
CTG: oh my god fuck why did i write that can you delete from memos  
CTG: no you can not  
CTG: great  
CTG: ok cool moving the fuck on lets get that off the screen as fast as possible  
CTG: um  
CTG: so  
CTG: i hope youre also not just holed up somewhere plotting all the ways youre never gonna talk to me again for three years  
CTG: cuz thatd suck  
CTG: i mean it wouldnt suck as much as the other options  
CTG: option  
CTG: i mean the you being hurt or in trouble or dead option  
CTG: obviously thats the worst  
CTG: jesus fuck dave  
CTG: chill out bro  
CTG: yeah yeah just talk to yourself thatll make this hot mess a hell of a lot saner and less embarrassing go right ahead  
CTG: oh boy  
CTG: ok back on track  
CTG: karkat  
CTG: if youre reading this man  
CTG: im really fucking sorry ok  
CTG: i know youre pissed at me now but if maybe theres like a future you whos not as pissed like at least enough less pissed to shoot me a quick message  
CTG: um  
CTG: could that guy just like swoop in and let me know youre ok  
CTG: thatd be  
CTG: really fucking cool  
CTG: ug  
CTG: god dammit this sucks so much what a stupid fucking idea fuck memos  
PAST adiosToreador [PAT] 1,610 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
PAT: uH HEY,  
PAT: iTS DAVE RIGHT,  
CTG: whoa  
CTG: um  
CTG: yeah  
CTG: hi  
PAT: dON’T BE UPSET ABOUT PISSING KARKAT OFF,  
PAT: i’M PRETTY SURE THAT THAT, iS A THING EVERYBODY DOES,  
PAT: iT ISN’T A THING, tHAT CAN BE HELPED, bY ANYBODY,  
CTG: uh  
CTG: thanks man  
PAT: i’M LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT NOW ACTUALLY,  
PAT: dO YOU WANT ME TO RELAY A MESSAGE,  
CTG: whoa  
CTG: shit  
CTG: fuck  
CTG: hold on youre probably in the computer lab room right  
CTG: like all of you  
CTG: all watchin us on your monitors  
PAT: yES i AM ACTUALLY WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW IN YOUR PAST,  
PAT: wHILE i TALK TO YOU IN MY FUTURE,  
PAT: uH DAVE,  
CTG: uh yeah?  
PAT: i THINK WE MIGHT BE GETTING UP TO SOME SHENANIGANS, hERE,  
CTG: oh my god  
PAT: sHENANIGANS OF A QUALITY THAT IS EXCEEDINGLY GNARLY,  
CTG: holy shit  
PAT: yOU SAID YOU COULDN’T FIND KARKAT,  
PAT: dOES THAT MEAN THAT FINDING HIM, iS A THING YOU’VE DONE BEFORE,  
PAT: iN THE FUTURE,  
PAT: i MEAN MY FUTURE OBVIOUSLY, bUT ALSO THE FUTURE OF THIS YOU THAT i’M WATCHING RIGHT NOW, aS HE EATS FERMENTED VEGETABLE LOGS STRAIGHT OUT OF THE JAR,  
CTG: what  
CTG: dude do you mean pickles  
PAT: i’M NOT REALLY SURE, iF THAT’S A THING THAT i MEAN,  
PAT: a THING THAT i KNOW THAT i MEAN THOUGH IS, tHE QUESTION i JUST ASKED,  
PAT: dO WE ALL MEET SOMEDAY,  
PAT: aM i THERE,  
CTG: oh fuck  
CTG banned PAT from responding to memo.  
CTG: fuck  
CTG: sorry dude  
CTG: uh tavros  
CTG: sorry tavros  
CTG: i donno if you can still read this even though youre banned  
CTG: but uh  
CTG: we were gettin a little too close to spoiler territory there  
CTG: um  
CTG: please dont tell anybody you talked to me ok lets just keep that between us  
CTG: cool?  
CTG: right you cant respond  
CTG: shit  
CTG: this has got to be the stupidest fucking thing ive ever done  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [TG] 18,834 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FTG: dude i donno youve done some stupid shit  
CTG: oh hey  
FTG: also i hate to be the bearer of bad future tidings all like the ghost of christmas yet to come holding out his skeleton hand making you look at the name on the tombstone like cmon dude we all know it says scrooge this isnt exactly suspenseful but its like 200 years ago what do you want they hadnt invented being scared yet  
FTG: but there is definitely more stupid shit in store for you in your future those stupid shit days are in NO WAY behind you bro  
CTG: dude whatever i dont care about that  
CTG: is karkat ok  
FTG: oh yeah man hes fine  
CTG: seriously?  
FTG: yeah bro chill out  
FTG: hes right here with me  
CTG: ohh thank fuck  
CTG: can you like  
CTG: um  
CTG: put him on  
CTG: so i can say im sorry  
FTG: yeah i will in just a sec  
CTG: what why whats he doin  
FTG: nothin hes just sitting here waiting all patiently  
FTG: its just i dont remember him chiming in quite so early  
CTG: oh  
CTG: huh  
CTG: yeah that makes sense  
FTG: ok bro thats your cue  
CTG: ?  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [CG] 18,834 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: HI PAST DAVE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.  
CTG: karkat  
CTG: dude im so sorry  
FCG: IT’S FINE.  
FCG: WE HAD THIS FIGHT A WHOLE FUCKING SWEEP AGO, DAVE.  
CTG: oh  
CTG: right  
CTG: so i guess youve had some time to cool off then huh  
FCG: I AM SO FUCKING COOL, DAVE.  
FCG: I MEAN, IN THE MEANTIME YOU’VE FOUND A BILLION OTHER WAYS TO PISS ME OFF AGAIN, DON’T GET ME WRONG.  
CTG: yeah i bet  
CTG: but like are we uh  
CTG: cool?  
CTG: with each other?  
CTG: in the future?  
CTG: it sounds like were hanging out together again at least  
FCG: HAHA!  
FCG: YEAH, WE ARE.  
CTG: cool  
CTG: thats uh  
CTG: thats really cool to hear  
FCG: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS ADORABLE.  
FTG: shh  
FTG: look yeah i know youre all outta sorts right now dude  
FTG: like you checked the stockroom and the sorts are totally gone youre gonna have to order more from headquarters or wherever  
FTG: but karkats fine  
CTG: ok cool  
FTG: i mean he IS pissed at you  
FTG: in your time i mean  
CTG: yeah...  
FTG: yeah bro sorry theres no two ways around that particular fact  
FTG: but hell get over it hell come back  
FTG: and youre gonna apologize to him cuz this karkats from the future he doesnt count for shit  
FCG: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE?  
FTG: cmon dude you know what i mean you cant just apologize to somebody a sweep late after they already forgave you thats incredibly weak  
FCG: YEAH I KNOW.  
FCG: I STILL APPRECIATE IT THOUGH, PAST DAVE.  
FCG: SO THANKS.  
CTG: yeah sure man  
CTG: um  
CTG: anytime  
FCG: HAHAHAHA!  
FTG: hell yeah time travel humor still got it  
FTG: and by that i mean i still got it a sweep in the past  
FTG: karkat do i still got it now?  
FTG: be honest bro i can handle it  
FCG: EH, IT COMES AND GOES.  
FTG: haha thanks man you know what ill take it  
CTG: i guess you guys ARE cool  
FTG: yeah dude were definitely cool youll be cool too obviously dont worry  
FTG: you just gotta do a couple things first  
CTG: like what  
FTG: well first off you definitely gotta apologize to your concurrent karkat not just this asshole here  
CTG: right  
FTG: and next youre gonna want to hunker down for the downright UNREAL tirade thats winging its way toward you right now  
FTG: its like a hurricane and youre the gulf coast that thing is on a direct path for you the weather channel hasnt even fucking named this one dude theyre saying no name can contain it  
CTG: oh shit  
FCG: HAHAHAHA!  
FTG: yeah its comin at you bro no way around it you just gotta weather it  
FTG: but in the meantime while you stock up on bread and milk and eggs and nail boards over the windows  
FTG: im gonna tell you something else you gotta do  
FTG: thats a little more nebulous its a little more abstract but just as important  
CTG: ok  
FTG: i pretty much have to tell you this because i remember me telling me this obviously  
FTG: but i think its also gonna be really helpful  
FTG: youre not gonna totally get it now its gonna sound kinda weird tbh  
FTG: but i know youre gonna internalize it and think about it for a while and actually take it to heart  
FTG: because i know i did  
FTG: and youre me  
CTG: yeah that makes sense  
CTG: what is it whats this great wisdom from the future  
FTG: ok this is it  
FTG: seriously  
FTG: bro  
FTG: slow your roll a little bit  
CTG: what  
FTG: i mean i get it i know youve never had a real life friend or anything before youre excited its an exciting time  
FTG: but damn dude  
CTG: what the fuck are you talking about  
FTG: im talking about you havent even known karkat that long  
FTG: youre what like a couple months into this this epic brohood  
FTG: then you have one fight that feels too real he storms off all of a sudden the worlds ending  
FTG: youre frantically texting everyone you know youre even seancing with the fucking future bro  
CTG: yeah so  
FTG: so its a little overbearing dude  
FTG: and not to mention not exactly in line with our carefully crafted persona of not giving a shit about shit  
CTG: oh  
CTG: huh  
CTG: yeah  
CTG: i guess i was just like  
CTG: worried i fucked something up  
CTG: or that he got hurt or something and i didnt even know  
CTG: gamzees just fuckin out there scuttling through the vents bro this is not a safe living environment  
FTG: yeah no i totally get it  
FTG: im not saying theres no reason to be concerned  
FTG: its hard meeting people and there are some legit psychos on this meteor  
FTG: just  
FTG: increase the chill factor by like 20 percent is all  
FTG: that shouldnt be hard man i know you got reserves  
CTG: oh i got hella reserves i got fuckin saddlebags of chill  
FTG: yeah thats what im talkin about  
CTG: got a whole sidecar thats just a big cooler fulla solid ice  
FTG: exactly bro  
FTG: im not even sayin you need to open up that cooler save that for emergencies and impromptu pool parties  
FTG: just reach into one of those saddle bags and pull out a popsicle or two  
FTG: and just chill that little bit just that tiny amount  
FTG: its gonna make all the difference dude  
FTG: that way youre not gonna freak him out  
FTG: and people arent gonna talk  
FTG: ...  
FTG: as much  
CTG: talk what do you mean talk  
FTG: dude i know rose had some choice words when you texted her  
CTG: sure but thats just rose when has she ever not had choice words  
FTG: true you got me there  
FTG: but dude  
FTG: you texted everybody  
FTG: you texted vriska  
CTG: yeahhh  
CTG: fuck  
CTG: dude i even texted gamzee  
FTG: you did?  
CTG: yeah  
FTG: wait what did he say  
CTG: uh nothing he didnt respond i dont think he has a phone or like basic amenities or needs anymore  
FTG: oh ok  
FTG: yeah thats kinda ringing some bells i guess i didnt remember cuz he didnt respond man fuck that guy  
CTG: seriously  
FTG: yeah so anyway  
FTG: people are gonna talk and its gonna freak you out  
FTG: so just like... cool it with the public displays of panic for now ok  
FTG: those are only gonna fuck you up in the long run  
FTG: just worry about yourself and being a good friend  
FTG: especially to karkat  
FTG: ok?  
CTG: uh  
CTG: ok i guess  
FTG: cool  
FCG: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL  
CTG: what the fuck  
FTG: oh my god holy shit it actually happened  
CTG: what  
FTG: karkat fell asleep  
FTG: dudes just passed the fuck out hes typing with his face  
CTG: haha for real  
FTG: yepp  
FTG: oh this is awesome  
FTG: i remember wondering if it was actually gonna go down like this or if i was just saying it to close the loop and we were gonna have to fake it  
FTG: but nope he actually did it  
FTG: god damn  
CTG: thats pretty great  
FTG: yeah  
FTG: ok now hes down for the count im gonna switch to his color  
CTG: oh uh  
CTG: ok  
FTG: just makes stuff easier to parse you know  
CTG: yeah i guess so  
FTG: oh yeah this is so much better i remember this  
CTG: kinda weird but ok it is definitely easier to read  
FTG: exactly  
CTG: whyd he pass out  
FTG: cuz its late as hell here  
CTG: oh right because you told me when you talked to me the first time around that it was gonna be late as hell and karkat was gonna fall asleep  
FTG: ayy this guy gets it  
FTG: see any old normal idiot like your average jabroni off the street would want clarification theyd have all these stupid questions about causality  
FTG: but not this guy  
FTG: this is a guy whos closed a stable loop or two in his day  
CTG: oh my god dude you have no idea  
CTG: no wait haha  
CTG: that was literally the stupidest possible thing to say  
CTG: you have a pretty fucking good idea huh  
FTG: hahaha  
CTG: like a completely exact idea an idea that could not be clearer  
FTG: yeah i do  
CTG: wow you just got done talking up my stoic understanding of timeloops and bootstrap time travel and here i beefed it on fucking MEMORIES  
CTG: like damn that is the most basic ass understanding of time they got  
CTG: that is some kindergarten shit  
CTG: thats not even time travel thats just like  
CTG: time  
FTG: hey man dont beat yourself up you ARE talking to your future self  
FTG: thats like first grade curriculum at least  
CTG: thanks man  
FTG: like first grade second semester after they teach you how to count or whatever who the fuck knows we didnt go to school  
CTG: maybe thats why i faceplanted so hard back there  
FTG: haha maybe  
CTG: missed that whole fucking lesson  
CTG: also like how to like open a juice box  
CTG: how to tie your shoes  
FTG: how to not lose your shit when you best bro storms off  
CTG: damn dude  
FTG: sorry  
CTG: naw its cool you got me there you pretty much summed it up  
CTG: hey addition thats another thing we woulda learned in first grade prolly instead of from a crazy man with a sword  
FTG: ...yeah  
FTG: anyway dont worry about it  
FTG: the friend thing  
FTG: you get better at it  
CTG: yeah?  
FTG: yeah man way better you become the fucking master of being an at least halfways tolerable presence for at least one possibly sometimes as many as six people  
CTG: oh shit  
FTG: yeah dude folks come from far and wide climbing to the top of your mountain all decked out in hiking gear all out of breath from the elevation  
FTG: and youre just sittin there lotus style cool as a vegetable log dishin out wisdom  
FTG: such as when you and your best bro have a fight dont freak out so much you open a portal to the vast river of time and accidentally contact his past before he even met you to try to apologize  
CTG: ...yeah  
FTG: its cool it had to happen this time obviously or i wouldnt be here  
FTG: but try to cool it in the days to come ok  
CTG: yeah that makes sense ill definitely take that to heart or whatever  
CTG: but like  
CTG: dont you know exactly how many more times i do this  
CTG: open a memo i mean  
CTG: if i do it at all  
FTG: damn this kids on the ball yeah of course i do  
FTG: and whats more im gonna tell you youre gettin the deluxe package here  
CTG: sweet  
FTG: youre gonna start one more memo  
FTG: and fair warning this is some choice bullfuckery here just top shelf stuff  
FTG: like the little old mustachioed dude with the elbow cuffs and the green visor for some reason whos been sellin bullfuckery for the past 75 years cant believe you want this bullfuckery  
FTG: hes gotta get out the big ladder  
FTG: hes goin all the way to the top shelf of his collection of bullfuckeries to get this one down  
FTG: its all covered in dust  
FTG: this bullfuckery survived the great war  
FTG: the bulls that fucked to make it have long since died of old age their great great grandchildren are roaming the earth  
CTG: cool what is it  
FTG: ok bear with me because believe me i know this is stupid as all hell  
FTG: but as soon as we get done talking dont close this memo just immediately go look for another one i started right before i answered you  
CTG: oh my god  
FTG: yep  
CTG: so me five minutes from now is gonna talk to you five minutes ago  
FTG: yeah thats it exactly  
CTG: what do we talk about  
FTG: pretty much nothing its just for the sake of making sure it happens  
CTG: jfc  
FTG: hey at least its easy to remember for both of us im right before this conversation youre right after  
CTG: yeah i guess thats true  
FTG: its way better than what we did in the game like at least space isnt involved too we both know that one isnt our strong suit we can just do this from wherever  
FTG: in this case you where you plunked down on the floor in the middle of your panicky ass pacing  
FTG: and me all toasty in bed  
CTG: ok but you just told me where you are  
CTG: so now i guess i have to be there  
FTG: i mean you dont have to be  
FTG: you can just say thats where you are  
CTG: right  
FTG: that is actually where i am tho  
CTG: wait  
CTG: what the fuck  
FTG: what  
CTG: is  
CTG: is karkat on the bed with you?  
FTG: who the hell knows man youre at least gonna have to type out the words that imply he is when the time comes  
CTG: why the fuck would i do that  
FTG: who knows bro if thats the case im just repeating what i remember being said to me  
CTG: oh my god whatever  
CTG: fuck it  
CTG: who cares  
FTG: yeah man thats the spirit thats the attitude ive always discovered works best in these types of situations  
CTG: seriously  
FTG: thank christ its just these couple memos  
FTG: at least for the next sweep i cant speak for future me who knows what kind of antics that weirdos up to  
CTG: so i dont do any actual...  
CTG: you know  
CTG: with the turntables?  
FTG: naw fuck that  
FTG: youre on the slow road bro  
CTG: nice  
FTG: yeah its way better  
FTG: ok  
FTG: so  
FTG: i think this about wraps it up  
CTG: ok cool  
FTG: yeah so just go look for that memo i started a few minutes ago just pop in and say hi thats all you gotta do  
FTG: but make sure you do it or were fucked  
CTG: right  
FTG: also when karkat comes back be fucking nice to him  
CTG: yeah  
CTG: i will  
FTG: but dont be weird about it dude you were coming on kinda strong  
FTG: just like  
FTG: the tenderest of fist bumps between bros  
FTG: and a heartfelt apology at least as heartfelt as we can summon up from the stoic depths  
FTG: that should do the trick that should suffice  
CTG: ok got it  
FTG: oh one more thing  
CTG: what  
FTG: fjdakfljadkfha  
CTG: what the fuck  
FTG: nothing i just remember i did that right at the end  
CTG: what is it  
FTG: i donno just something i typed  
CTG: holy fuck that is some time bullshit right there  
FTG: yeah i know dude  
FTG: sorry  
CTG: should i like  
CTG: write it down  
FTG: naw i didnt  
FTG: i just did a random key smash  
FTG: i think that should be good  
FTG: i got a secret hunch all key smashes are all the same theyre all actually identical  
FTG: like you can always spot a key smash from a mile away those home keys always get way too much of a workout  
FTG: its like cmon spice it up there are so many keys to choose from if youre actually as excited as this key smash is suggesting you could prolly deign to move your fingers off the home keys im starting to suspect youre not as worked up as youre insisting you are  
CTG: hahaha  
FTG: yeah but in this case i actually did stick to the home keys cuz itll be way easier to replicate  
CTG: got it  
FTG: yep so  
FTG: thats pretty much it  
FTG: any questions  
FTG: naw im just kidding i know you dont ask any  
CTG: oh  
CTG: right  
FTG: yeah so dont close this window  
FTG: go find that other memo  
FTG: say hi to past me  
FTG: apologize to karkat  
FTG: and then lets just stay in our own fuckin lanes after that sound good  
CTG: dude that sounds so fucking good to me this shit is exhausting  
FTG: i know its such a bitch  
CTG: ok um  
CTG: bye i guess  
FTG: bye dude  


FTG left memo  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


FUTURE turntechGodhead [CTG] 18,834 HOURS FROM NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board YO PAST DAVE THIS IS IT.  


FUTURE turntechGodhead [CTG] 18,834 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board YO PAST DAVE THIS IS IT.  


FTG: hey you there  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo  
CTG: hey man  
FTG: phew it worked  
CTG: yep  
CTG: gotta close the fuckin loops huh  
FTG: yeah thats how it works  
FTG: god damn i am so fucking ready to get this over with and be off this shit for good  
CTG: yeah sorry apparently this is the last time  
CTG: um  
CTG: as far as you in five minutes knows  
CTG: shit wait maybe thats not reassuring at all huh  
FTG: no its not the most reassuring thing ever youre right there  
CTG: fuck  
FTG: naw its cool  
FTG: just give me the transcript of the conversation you just had with future me  
CTG: wait  
CTG: what  
FTG: yeah we talked so fucking much dude you think im gonna remember all that shit its been a whole sweep  
CTG: um  
FTG: two years  
CTG: yeah i know how long a sweep is dude ive been hanging out with trolls for two months and thats such a common word thats not like mystical future knowledge  
FTG: oh right  
FTG: sorry  
CTG: so wait everything you just said to me was just copied and pasted  
FTG: yeah pretty much  
CTG: but like  
FTG: what  
CTG: it felt so real  
FTG: yeah of course it was real i still said all that shit to you  
FTG: and its all shit i would have said anyway its not ooc or anything  
FTG: and you still responded naturally  
FTG: its for all intents and purposes a normal conversation just engineered in a way that means we dont fuck up the timeline  
CTG: ...  
CTG: right  
FTG: yeah so hand it over we gotta keep this convo short im goin purely on memory and instinct here were treading some dangerous waters here bro  
CTG: oh  
CTG: right  
CTG: hang on  
CTG: here you go  
CTG: DAVEFUCKEDUP.pdf  
FTG: sweet  
FTG: ok thats all i need now get outta here dude your karkats gonna be showing up soon and he is PISSED  
CTG: wait  
CTG: why cant you just see that memo yourself  
FTG: because i started it as you five minutes ago  
FTG: im effectively locked out as soon as you close it its gonna disappear  
CTG: oh  
CTG: but i have this pdf...  
FTG: yeah thats not gonna work either  
CTG: what why  
FTG: ok  
FTG: look  
FTG: at some point in the next two years your computers gonna explode  
CTG: what  
FTG: not to alarm you  
CTG: dude im so fucking alarmed  
FTG: yeah sorry about that  
CTG: damn  
CTG: but wait  
FTG: oh my god  
FTG: look  
FTG: it has to go this way ok not just because its the most reliable but also because its actually already fucking come to pass  
FTG: seriously stop looking for hacks bro youre just embarrassing yourself and giving me so much fucking time anxiety  
CTG: oh  
CTG: sorry man  
FTG: naw its ok im just real on edge about this this is some choice bullfuckery  
CTG: haha  
FTG: what  
CTG: oh  
CTG: dont worry about it  
FTG: holy shit portentous cheeky laughter from the past that is EXACTLY what i needed to make this situation even more fucked up howd you know  
CTG: sorry dude  
FTG: its fine just get the fuck out of here  
CTG: wait one more thing  
FTG: ahh what  
CTG: if this was all just copied and pasted  
CTG: is karkat not actually there in the future  
FTG: no hes not here  
CTG: oh  
CTG: fuck  
FTG: wait shit not like that  
FTG: hes here hes just brushing his teeth hell be back in time to talk to past you  
FTG: i thought you just meant like could you say hi to him i forgot how much i was freaking out back then  
FTG: were cool dont worry  
CTG: you sure?  
FTG: yeah so sure we are way more than cool its not a problem  
CTG: ok  
CTG: good  
FTG: yeah  
FTG: now get the fuck outta here this is all kinds of stressing me out  
FTG: i gotta go lay some wisdom on our dumb past ass  
CTG: right  
CTG: uh bye  
CTG: and thanks for the wisdom  
FTG: yeah of course dude  
FTG: say hi to past karkat for me  
FTG: and have fun  
CTG: ?  


FTG closed memo  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  



End file.
